Rioz Experienced - $5.99 for a Well Bourbon on the Rocks
We are a little late on this one, but last night The Pocket Brats took a nice jaunt down Grissom Parkway to take advantage of what was a cattle-like rustling coupon of a 50% off dinner at the Brazilian Masterpiece Rioz.
Arriving at 3:45 PM, the parking lot was already a frenzy covering the entire spectrum of Myrtle Beach locals... Hicks in shorts and jerseys, Black Muslims in Bowties, Good Ol' Boys in vests, and a great number of women wearing pink, red, or some other variation of a Valentines Day outfit. And being the Sunday before Valentines, who can blame them for taking advantage of an opportunity to visit a restaurant that until now, many people had been intrigued by... but lacked the incentive to go experience.
Immediately upon entering, we were informed of a likely 2 hour wait. And while we were just a little tempted to call it a day and head over to Salsaritas just down the road for an inevitable case of diarrhea, we resisted the urge.
So it was off to the bar we went. Much like it is in the DNA of every tourist to the Grand Strand to eat cold fried seafood that has been sitting in metal bins and is likely crawling with all sorts of afflictions from syphilis, herpes, and idiocy... .And partaking in what is one of the greater tourist traps in all of the modern world 'Margaritaville' for an overcooked burger, crappy peach margaritas, and men on stilts that sneak up behind you and scream in your ear resulting in a shattered cochlea and the expulsion of chewed up french fries onto your date.... We ordered the Capirinha. The margarita of Brazil... or the Guinness of Ireland. For those of you who are not familiar with this drink, as we presume every single reader with a shred of honesty in their blood is not.... Here is a rundown of the ingredients.
2 Tsp of Sugar
8 Lime Wedges
2.5 oz of Cachaca
And now it is necessary to explain what the hell Cachaca is.... Apparently it is a rum but not a rum. Where rum is made from Molasses, Cachaca is concocted from Sugar Cane Juice. Honestly there is a bit of a difference, but it just tasted like a Lime Mojito. Capirinha judged, and deemed inferior to the Mojito. And also all of $9.00.
So we switched to Beer until we noticed that the bartender was filling whisky on the rocks to the brim. Much like walking past a Blackjack table in Vegas where everyone is winning and not finding a seat at the table, we felt this was not an opportunity that we were going to let pass. We are all big fans of everything whisky as it is America's liquor... Even though the Skyy Wodka people would like you to think otherwise... So we support our local whisky producers.... Until the bar switched bartenders and these overflowing bounties of whisky became poured 'shots' of this brown gasoline. Consider us appalled at this latest turn of events. And also consider our jaws falling onto the beer gut of the hicks next to us after learning that we were being billed $5.99 for a substandard well bourbon.
But please bear with me, I am not reviewing their bar... It is the restaurant that we parked in the nearby hotel lot to experience. And experience it we did.
First a few observations from the Salad Bar -
1. Ruby Tuesday has a long way to go.
2. Peel and Eat Shrimp are apparently only enjoyed by Black people... and in large amounts.
3. One of the more filling selections, PASTA SALAD, was also the most selected.
4. Buffalo Mozzarella and Tomato Salad, complete with Balsamic Vinaigrette and Basil was easily reproduced.
5. The Sushi sucked, and the Sashimi was almost as bad.
6. The Caesar Salad looked... And I can only say looked, but it looked phenomenal because I limited myself severely on the Salad Bar... But it looked delicious. Almost as good as the Caesar Salad at Divine Dining House or Outback (who has a surprisingly good Caesar Salad).
7. There was truly a great variety of items - Hearts of Palm, Artichoke Hearts, Mussels, Soup, various Salad creations, and a very large bowl of Parmesan Cheese. At first I thought they were pita chips... But upon reaching into the vast abyss with my bare hands, realized that it was Parmesan Cheese and it was good.
8. It is a great diversion for many people and loads the stomach of many of the swindled patrons even before they see the wide array of meats that come out on flaming hot swords.
But not we.
We visited the locale for the meats... And no, not the chicken leg wrapped in Bacon... Though we are big big fans of anything that includes Bacon... In fact, Bacon was our favorite offering from the salad bar.
We tried everything. They offer a shitload of meats... from Filet Mignon... to Lamb Chops... to Pork Ribs... And the ribs were a bit baffling... especially in a bbq sort of region here in South Carolina... There was no falling off the bone meat... it was just cooked right onto the rib bone... Ergo.. Ribs tasted and judged to be awful.
However that verdict only applies to a few of their presentations... Pork and Beef Ribs, Chicken Leg... And the poor sap who has to run around with a skewer full of sausages... a skewer that no one has any interest in eating and thus has to run around for an entire dining shift as his own personal sausage party.
So it is only fair that we give props where props are due.
1. Filet Mignon - One of the least flavorful meats, yet one of the most tender cuts of beef in existence... It was destroyed by our table in copious amounts... Hunks after hunks were dropped onto our plates... But one word of caution... It is imperative to request a 'Rare' piece of this wonderful meat because otherwise it comes onto your plate somewhere between well done and brick. It is a secret to most, but one should request the 'meat guy' slice the beef to show you how well it is done. Until the very end, we threw half of our Filet pieces on the 'scrap plate' because we had asked for Medium Rare... and were given a brick. Apparently, they also do have a filet wrapped in bacon... which we only got to see once, but it was ok... Again.. overdone, but still very good.
2. Leg of Lamb - Whichever sort of cut you desire from this great meat, it shall be yours... they have cuts of well done, medium rare, and a rare so bloody that you can even shear wool from the mother fucker... While Lamb should be done medium rare and only medium rare, it was one of their tastier options and was (to the dismay of the owner) destroyed by our table.... It would have been our favorite... If it weren't for...
3. Lamb Chops - Again... The problem with these was the well done chops we continued to get... It is a recurring theme at this restaurant, but Lamb Chops we were not going to be denied... It is interesting to think... a lamb chop is quite small... only making one wonder just how small these lamb are before they are brutally slaughtered so that they can end up on our plate. It is our MO to try and eat two full racks of lamb... about 16 bones... if only because we are cheap and we want to get our money's worth right off the bat. But the lamb chops were and remain glorious... It was the favorite offering of the night... And along with the Filet... was the request to the guy who kept pestering us with his juicy sausages towards the end of the night...
4. Flank Steak - This is by far the tastiest offering of the Rioz restaurant... I'm not quite sure why this is, but it had the most flavor, it had enough tenderness, and again if you get it cooked how you want it... it will cause you to spring wood under the table and fortunately for you, keep you from heading back to the salad bar to fill up on Bread or a weird cucumber salad.
5. Picanha - Offered in both a standard grilled portion or a grilled with Garlic portion... This is the only prime cut of beef offered at Rioz... And grand it is. We all do agree that it is quite difficult to discern prime vs top vs choice if you are eating anything other than a NY Strip, but this cut of beef is certainly top of the line... And their house specialty. Better yet, it is cooked to Medium Rare all the way through and so outside of what seems to be a seared exterior, it is as bloody as an umbilical cord. Which of course gets our juices flowing. I recommend at least eating 6 oz of this (5 -6 cuts of it- served in thin slices)... Because it is truly something different that is not often found in other restaurants.
Another favorite at our table was the Pork Loin encrusted in Parmesan cheese, but we only had a piece of it and cannot give a full judgment of this other white meat.
So the Rioz Restaurant gets a huge woody for some of the great offerings they provide to their customer... Except for One thing... And it is a bit difficult to explain... Because it's not necessarily a negative... but it's not necessarily a positive....
So here goes...
The Rioz staff is a very friendly group of people.... The Meat Men that bring out the skewers... We are sure there is some sort of appropriate word to call them, but we are American, therefor better than taking a few moments out of our day to investigate what will likely be a word that we do not understand... But anyways, the Meat Men are very nice, very attentive, and are always at your beckoning and call... But stay there for more than an hour and a half and then the waiter becomes perturbed... asking you if you are done, when you are letting your stomach settle... The waiter asks if you have special requests in an attempt to fill you up as quickly as possible... And even the manager comes by asking if there is any interest in a particular meat, prostitute, or refill of water. And it truly does ruin the end of the experience... especially if you have come to Rioz off a two day fast and are looking to eat an entire skewer.
What makes this worse is that there is an enormous wait to get into the restaurant.. which results in at least 4 $9.00 martinis made with Stoli - gag - ... And then you are rushed out as you are trying to finish your meal, dicksauce with your dining partners, and grabbing that last piece of cheese from the salad bar.
All in all... A good venue, a good idea, and while the 1/2 off deal lasted during January and Black History Month... A hell of a night.
In the words of Stump the Schwab... I give it 4 bags of chips.
Arriving at 3:45 PM, the parking lot was already a frenzy covering the entire spectrum of Myrtle Beach locals... Hicks in shorts and jerseys, Black Muslims in Bowties, Good Ol' Boys in vests, and a great number of women wearing pink, red, or some other variation of a Valentines Day outfit. And being the Sunday before Valentines, who can blame them for taking advantage of an opportunity to visit a restaurant that until now, many people had been intrigued by... but lacked the incentive to go experience.
Immediately upon entering, we were informed of a likely 2 hour wait. And while we were just a little tempted to call it a day and head over to Salsaritas just down the road for an inevitable case of diarrhea, we resisted the urge.
So it was off to the bar we went. Much like it is in the DNA of every tourist to the Grand Strand to eat cold fried seafood that has been sitting in metal bins and is likely crawling with all sorts of afflictions from syphilis, herpes, and idiocy... .And partaking in what is one of the greater tourist traps in all of the modern world 'Margaritaville' for an overcooked burger, crappy peach margaritas, and men on stilts that sneak up behind you and scream in your ear resulting in a shattered cochlea and the expulsion of chewed up french fries onto your date.... We ordered the Capirinha. The margarita of Brazil... or the Guinness of Ireland. For those of you who are not familiar with this drink, as we presume every single reader with a shred of honesty in their blood is not.... Here is a rundown of the ingredients.
2 Tsp of Sugar
8 Lime Wedges
2.5 oz of Cachaca
And now it is necessary to explain what the hell Cachaca is.... Apparently it is a rum but not a rum. Where rum is made from Molasses, Cachaca is concocted from Sugar Cane Juice. Honestly there is a bit of a difference, but it just tasted like a Lime Mojito. Capirinha judged, and deemed inferior to the Mojito. And also all of $9.00.
So we switched to Beer until we noticed that the bartender was filling whisky on the rocks to the brim. Much like walking past a Blackjack table in Vegas where everyone is winning and not finding a seat at the table, we felt this was not an opportunity that we were going to let pass. We are all big fans of everything whisky as it is America's liquor... Even though the Skyy Wodka people would like you to think otherwise... So we support our local whisky producers.... Until the bar switched bartenders and these overflowing bounties of whisky became poured 'shots' of this brown gasoline. Consider us appalled at this latest turn of events. And also consider our jaws falling onto the beer gut of the hicks next to us after learning that we were being billed $5.99 for a substandard well bourbon.
But please bear with me, I am not reviewing their bar... It is the restaurant that we parked in the nearby hotel lot to experience. And experience it we did.
First a few observations from the Salad Bar -
1. Ruby Tuesday has a long way to go.
2. Peel and Eat Shrimp are apparently only enjoyed by Black people... and in large amounts.
3. One of the more filling selections, PASTA SALAD, was also the most selected.
4. Buffalo Mozzarella and Tomato Salad, complete with Balsamic Vinaigrette and Basil was easily reproduced.
5. The Sushi sucked, and the Sashimi was almost as bad.
6. The Caesar Salad looked... And I can only say looked, but it looked phenomenal because I limited myself severely on the Salad Bar... But it looked delicious. Almost as good as the Caesar Salad at Divine Dining House or Outback (who has a surprisingly good Caesar Salad).
7. There was truly a great variety of items - Hearts of Palm, Artichoke Hearts, Mussels, Soup, various Salad creations, and a very large bowl of Parmesan Cheese. At first I thought they were pita chips... But upon reaching into the vast abyss with my bare hands, realized that it was Parmesan Cheese and it was good.
8. It is a great diversion for many people and loads the stomach of many of the swindled patrons even before they see the wide array of meats that come out on flaming hot swords.
But not we.
We visited the locale for the meats... And no, not the chicken leg wrapped in Bacon... Though we are big big fans of anything that includes Bacon... In fact, Bacon was our favorite offering from the salad bar.
We tried everything. They offer a shitload of meats... from Filet Mignon... to Lamb Chops... to Pork Ribs... And the ribs were a bit baffling... especially in a bbq sort of region here in South Carolina... There was no falling off the bone meat... it was just cooked right onto the rib bone... Ergo.. Ribs tasted and judged to be awful.
However that verdict only applies to a few of their presentations... Pork and Beef Ribs, Chicken Leg... And the poor sap who has to run around with a skewer full of sausages... a skewer that no one has any interest in eating and thus has to run around for an entire dining shift as his own personal sausage party.
So it is only fair that we give props where props are due.
1. Filet Mignon - One of the least flavorful meats, yet one of the most tender cuts of beef in existence... It was destroyed by our table in copious amounts... Hunks after hunks were dropped onto our plates... But one word of caution... It is imperative to request a 'Rare' piece of this wonderful meat because otherwise it comes onto your plate somewhere between well done and brick. It is a secret to most, but one should request the 'meat guy' slice the beef to show you how well it is done. Until the very end, we threw half of our Filet pieces on the 'scrap plate' because we had asked for Medium Rare... and were given a brick. Apparently, they also do have a filet wrapped in bacon... which we only got to see once, but it was ok... Again.. overdone, but still very good.
2. Leg of Lamb - Whichever sort of cut you desire from this great meat, it shall be yours... they have cuts of well done, medium rare, and a rare so bloody that you can even shear wool from the mother fucker... While Lamb should be done medium rare and only medium rare, it was one of their tastier options and was (to the dismay of the owner) destroyed by our table.... It would have been our favorite... If it weren't for...
3. Lamb Chops - Again... The problem with these was the well done chops we continued to get... It is a recurring theme at this restaurant, but Lamb Chops we were not going to be denied... It is interesting to think... a lamb chop is quite small... only making one wonder just how small these lamb are before they are brutally slaughtered so that they can end up on our plate. It is our MO to try and eat two full racks of lamb... about 16 bones... if only because we are cheap and we want to get our money's worth right off the bat. But the lamb chops were and remain glorious... It was the favorite offering of the night... And along with the Filet... was the request to the guy who kept pestering us with his juicy sausages towards the end of the night...
4. Flank Steak - This is by far the tastiest offering of the Rioz restaurant... I'm not quite sure why this is, but it had the most flavor, it had enough tenderness, and again if you get it cooked how you want it... it will cause you to spring wood under the table and fortunately for you, keep you from heading back to the salad bar to fill up on Bread or a weird cucumber salad.
5. Picanha - Offered in both a standard grilled portion or a grilled with Garlic portion... This is the only prime cut of beef offered at Rioz... And grand it is. We all do agree that it is quite difficult to discern prime vs top vs choice if you are eating anything other than a NY Strip, but this cut of beef is certainly top of the line... And their house specialty. Better yet, it is cooked to Medium Rare all the way through and so outside of what seems to be a seared exterior, it is as bloody as an umbilical cord. Which of course gets our juices flowing. I recommend at least eating 6 oz of this (5 -6 cuts of it- served in thin slices)... Because it is truly something different that is not often found in other restaurants.
Another favorite at our table was the Pork Loin encrusted in Parmesan cheese, but we only had a piece of it and cannot give a full judgment of this other white meat.
So the Rioz Restaurant gets a huge woody for some of the great offerings they provide to their customer... Except for One thing... And it is a bit difficult to explain... Because it's not necessarily a negative... but it's not necessarily a positive....
So here goes...
The Rioz staff is a very friendly group of people.... The Meat Men that bring out the skewers... We are sure there is some sort of appropriate word to call them, but we are American, therefor better than taking a few moments out of our day to investigate what will likely be a word that we do not understand... But anyways, the Meat Men are very nice, very attentive, and are always at your beckoning and call... But stay there for more than an hour and a half and then the waiter becomes perturbed... asking you if you are done, when you are letting your stomach settle... The waiter asks if you have special requests in an attempt to fill you up as quickly as possible... And even the manager comes by asking if there is any interest in a particular meat, prostitute, or refill of water. And it truly does ruin the end of the experience... especially if you have come to Rioz off a two day fast and are looking to eat an entire skewer.
What makes this worse is that there is an enormous wait to get into the restaurant.. which results in at least 4 $9.00 martinis made with Stoli - gag - ... And then you are rushed out as you are trying to finish your meal, dicksauce with your dining partners, and grabbing that last piece of cheese from the salad bar.
All in all... A good venue, a good idea, and while the 1/2 off deal lasted during January and Black History Month... A hell of a night.
In the words of Stump the Schwab... I give it 4 bags of chips.
posted by The Pocket Brat at 7:38 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home