High Octane Beer Gets You Drunk...

Merry Christmas Ya'll.

Apparently..... High octane gasoline kills babies, destroys the environment, and increases the obesity in overweight women.

It seems that South Carolina has just recently... and by just recently, I mean 7 months ago, passed a law allowing the distribution and sales of hop and malt beverages of over 5% Alcohol By Volume... And of course, there is an outroar. Yes.. An Outroar.

But Suzanne Thomas of the Medical University of South Carolina said that when consumers "drink a 12 ounce beer that contains 14 percent alcohol, they are drinking the equivalent of of two, or three beers ... They will have a couple drinks, and all of a sudden an accident."

Apparently Ms. Thomas feels that a double Jack and Coke is less preventive of an accident than is a high alcohol beer....Easy case and point... .Higher alcohol Beers are more expensive... It's kind of like instituting a dress code to a night club... It keeps out the riff raff.... And it would be moronic to think that this would not be the case with beer... For some godforsaken reason people still drink Bud Light... And I highly doubt these individuals would cease their fascination with what has been scientifically proven to be chilled piss. But there are a great deal of us, perhaps not necessarily in Myrtle Beach, but in the South Carolina region that enjoy what is truly a craft beer... a masterpiece of melding ingredients found unappreciated in nature with one of life's greater pleasures... I refer you to Founding Father Benjamin Franklin,

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to prosper."

They say that brilliance lies in the intelligent stating the ovvbious... But what a truth it must be... And some of us like to enjoy our barley beverages in a bit more of a refined fashion than in some package that people refer to as 'Beast'... or 'Stones'. Though I must admit that I do enjoy an at least once a week dose of a bitter beer face.

Which is why I have just busted open a pack of macadamia nuts over the new law
passed in South Carolina. (And note that it is from the daily gamecock newsletter.. hehe... daily cock).

"Tired of Natty and Bud Light? Take solace - better beer may be coming our way. Both the South Carolina Senate and House are looking at bills that would allow the sale of beer with alcohol concentrations up to 14 percent, up from the current 5 percent cap."

Well.. This beer law passed in July of 2007... And the masses have rejoiced.... Except for the local retailers... Who continue exclusively stock such swill as Bud Light, Miller Lite, and Abita Purple Haze. What about Dogfish Head 90 Minute Ale, Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Barley Wine, or Old Rasputin Imperial Stout

So What about them you ask?... Well, I will tell you what...

Let's begin with what I consider to be the flag bearer of the microbrew generation.... Dogfish Head 90 Minute Ale. Known by Esquire Magazine as the 'Best IPA in America', this continually hopped masterpiece is enjoyed far more often, and with far more expertise from a snifter than many of your manicured bearded, tilted hat, cognac drinking nitwits. But why even start there.... the 90 Minute IPA is a real beer. It is a real beer for a real man who enjoys someone who puts a bit of effort into their work. It insults me, but makes sense for the grand majority of America to begin the comparison with standard American fare for Beer : Bud Light. Bud Light is enjoyed by women because it takes longer than shots to get drunk on, and it tastes like water. Men like it... because women will drink it. Otherwise they would buy Miller Lite... But anothertime. Dogfish Head IPA brings the load on a heavy ale taste... If anyone ever had a curiosity to taste what a hop tasted like... This is the liquid to do it. It almost overpowers you with a furnace like blast of hops, but carries with it a NUANCE of citrus... and ... on those lonely winter nights... when the only thing keeping you from suicide by overdose of Maalox are infomercials of Tony Little's Gazelle and a hangnail... you may even be able to detect an essence of fruitcake. And while it's a man law never to fruit the beer, every man enjoys a bit of fruitcake with his beer.

But why limit ourselves to only the Cadillac of Beers... Let's explore a bit... get a bit wild... Test out that Toyota Solara that you know you've been eying for the past few months.... Because we know that we have. Let's take a trip to into the 'Greener' Pastures of Oregon where they are known more for their Pinot Noir.... The Rogue Brewery. Creating a true bouillabaisse of recipes for their sweet nectars the Rogue Brewery is certainly one of the more accessible microbrews in the country yet still seems to be able to maintain a quality of product that usually is reserved for those manufacturers who slave over every ounce of every pint. Unlike Sierra Nevada... Which has become the Yuengling of the West. And we would like to focus our attention on one of our particular favorites from this Newport, OR plant... The Rogue Chocolate Stout. Described as 'Ebony In Color'... Which is usually enough for us to tune it out or clutch a little tighter to our purses, but is finished with a creamy off-white head.... Which always grabs our attention... This concoction tastes suprisingly similar to a Chocolate Malt, but with an average ABV of 6.3 %, it will at the very least set you on your way to your happy place or your "Magic Bus"... or brothel... or wherever you choose to spend those lonely nights. And just to top it all off... as if any more was required, Rogue often appears in your friendly neighborhood beer store in enormous 22 oz. bottles that double the pleasure... Kind of like 2 girls 1 cup.

And after all this... Where does it leave us? Apparently with a Beer Gardner with a green thumb for micro brews shutting his doors in Murrels Inlet, a Bi-Lo that feels Amber Bock is equivalent to Calico Copper Amber, and women who still jump at the chance to order a Bud Light.

But fear not Myrtle Beach.... There is hope... One of the greatest beverage stores known to man, Greens Beverage on 29th Avenue has been a pioneer into experimenting with various sorts of higher octane and micro-manufactured beers. Though I am not completely and fully sold on what they offer compared to other beer markets I have visited (Outside of SC), it is a start none the less. And this is a good kind of green... Drunk Green... Not Prius Green.

Additionally, The Liberty brand has redeemed themselves from their embarrassment of a brewery at Broadway at the Beach by opening the Liberty Taproom on 76th Avenue. Offering a wide array of beers, spanning the globe from Belgium to Japan (Unfortunately Yes.. Sapporo)... This is by far the best locale to enjoy some of the greater pleasures in life with just enough head to keep you satisfied... And I completely realize that that is two gratuitous head jokes in one article which is inexcusable... but yet, necessary. Anyways, at the moment, The Liberty Tap Room now has Delirium Tremens on draught... And it is glorious. We also highly recommend the Blue Cheese Potato Chips.

Apparently T-Bonz is venturing into the world of a High Octane Brew with their 'Super Duper ESB'... But their one bartender who looks like the Schwab from ESPN hit trivia show is a moron and I feel no desire to give them any sort of recognition... Especially when I can get a better steak from Outback.

And the Coastal Ale House is a giant tease for a beerophyte like myself because their tap is limited to 'domestics' and maybe Blue Moon... which many of the trendy tools at Coastal Carolina University like to sip while they wear their turquoise polos... collars popped of course. I continue to frequent that place, and I continue to be disappointed... Maybe I'm just infatuated with that guy with the mustache who does the River Talk show on HTC Cable every night at 7PM... If anyone can get me his autograph, I want it!!!

But there is one more location that has potential.... It's a mildew infested dump in Broadway, but they suprisingly have quite a collection of unattractive waitresses... wait.. strike.. that wasn't supposed to make the final copy... quite a collection of taps adorning their wall... Many American typical bitter swills, but a nice enough variety of the unusuals... THE OTHERS... to keep things interesting. But until they put more than one pulled strand of pork on their sliders, I refuse to go. With very little hubbub... The place is Stool Pigeons.

So Myrtle Beach.. .Let's see if you've got it in ya... Actually... The population of Myrtle Beach... Let's see just how refined you can be... Unfortunately I already know the answer.

In the words of the late great PT Barnum "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence and taste of the American People"

Which is why hives of depravity like Club Kryptonite and Senor Frogs continue to exist.

Ah well... It was worth a try eh?.... So for those of you who have made it this far... The best pint of Bud Light can be found at the Dead Dog Saloon at the Coastal Grand Mall. Bank It. And say hi to the bald bartender... He's quite nice... and doesn't overwhelm you with a 'Puppy Chow' line when giving you a dog bowl of shitty trail mix.

Stone.